We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
