Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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