Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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