i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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