My friends, they love my intelligence
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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