before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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