Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
