I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
