Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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