my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
