i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
