my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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