Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
