I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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