My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
