you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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