I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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