I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
