You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
