hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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