My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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