And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
