Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
