just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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