if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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