Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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