Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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