I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
