Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
