I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
