alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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