I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
