apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
