Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
