On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
