I am in a vortex of obligation.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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