I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
