My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
