Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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