does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
