The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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