Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
