so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
