i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He better not be in your backpack
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
