Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
