I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
