New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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