I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
