Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
