I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
