Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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