My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
